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When Brains Turn to Mush
By Hal & Melanie Young
All of our children have had a time when it just seemed like they fell apart, usually sometime between nine and thirteen years old. If you gave them a task, you’d find them wandering around clueless forty-five minutes later. Math suddenly started taking three hours. Their brains turned to mush.
That isn’t even the hardest part! We’d say something we thought wasn’t a big deal, “Take a shower before you leave, your hair’s a mess!” and they would fly into a rage.
“You criticize me all the time! Why don’t you tell him to take showers???” Well, he does, for one thing.
Then when they get the fight they’re spoiling for, they burst into tears, “Nobody cares about me!” Good grief.
It can feel like aliens took over your sweet child. Or you’ve failed as parents. Or you are all losing your minds. It can make you doubt your parenting, doubt your homeschooling, doubt everything.
It’s normal. Really. Perfectly normal. Ordinary children turn into green rage monsters every day.
What no one tells us is that the hormonal changes of puberty start way before the peach fuzz, cracking voice, or need for new undergarments. The hormones that cause those physical changes cause emotional and mental changes first. It’s kind of like PMS (we call it Pre-Manhood Syndrome around here), but it lasts a couple of years instead of a couple of days.
The irrationality gets to you. “Why didn’t you ever take us back to visit Rocky Mount? You said you’d take us back! You broke your promise!” Uh, son, that was seven years ago and you haven’t mentioned the town since.
It’s overwhelming, too. When the accusations start flying around, it’s easy to lose your temper and start throwing around a few of your own. Pretty soon everyone is acting like a toddler. Not good. So, what do you do? How do you live through this and still have hair at the end – both of you?
Know What’s Going On
Hormonal changes cause some emotional instability. You know how you might feel twitchy and irritable certain times of the month? Well, before when they felt angry, someone had done something to make them mad, so now when they feel a surge of irritability, they look around for the cause. It must be you! They usually get angry and sad easily and often have a hard time getting along with anybody at all.
They have an intellectual growth spurt at this time, too. For the first time, they are able to use logic and to make connections between different classes of things. This can be pretty exciting as they begin to understand how science impacts history or how literature reflects the politics of the time. It can also be maddening as they seem to live in their heads an awful lot. They get addled and distracted constantly. Doesn’t exactly make homeschooling a piece of cake, does it?
Those changes can often cause spiritual and philosophical doubts and that makes parents panic. They ask questions that make you go, “What in the world? Who are you?” but really, it’s a good thing. They are developing an adult’s conviction, not just imitating yours anymore. It’s a stage they have to go through to become confident, stable adults. Just answer their questions calmly and find the answers if you can’t.
Somebody’s Got to Be the Adult
Calm and confident is really the key to all this. Somebody has to act like an adult. It won’t be them, so it’s got to be us. We’ve got to resist the urge to act like maniacs ourselves, much as we might feel like it. Instead, listen. Talk to them. Hold them accountable, but don’t freak out or get too harsh. You can be the rock they need in this storm of emotions and change.
The good news is that they get over it. In fact, if you handle it right, this time can actually make the teen years great. Our children learn to trust us when the world is spinning around them and learn to control their emotions and do what’s right.
One of our sons was a model kid: diligent, cheerful and obedient. He was that way through most of his ninth to twelfth years. We thought we were golden. So glad we dodged the bullet with this one, we thought. Then it hit. His brain didn’t turn to mush, it turned to molten lava, exploding molten lava. For a few months, every big event was seasoned with a dose of hot pepper in the form of his anger. We thought we’d lose our minds.
We struggled desperately to maintain calm, confident parenting. We listened to him – a lot! We reasoned with him, disciplined him, taught him. It’s been a couple of years now and recently his football coach spoke to us at a banquet. “He’s a real cerebral player. Always cheerful with a great attitude. I wish they were all like that.” No, we didn’t faint. He’s like that at home, now, too. He’s a joy to have in our family, responsible, happy, diligent, even wise.
And we still have our hair. Mostly.
Hal & Melanie Young are the homeschooling parents of six sons and two daughters and the authors of Raising Real Men, the 2011 Christian Small Publishers Book of the Year and the new release, My Beloved and My Friend: How to be Married to Your Best Friend Without Changing Spouses. Find them on the web at www.RaisingRealMen.com and on Facebook at www.Facebook.com/raisingrealmen.