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Hey, That’s Not Fair!
By Hal & Melanie Young
Bickering and arguing can drive you crazy, can’t it? Yet, our children usually learn to deal with conflict from us. When two sinners marry, sure, we know there are going to be times they disagree. It seems like our enemy works overtime, though, to bring conflict into homeschooling marriages. Our family missions are so likely to play havoc with his plans for the next generation, that perhaps we get a little extra attention! Michael Smith of Home School Legal Defense Association confirmed this: he told us recently that he and his staff are hearing from more and more serious homeschooling families whose marriages are struggling.
It doesn’t have to be this way, though. We’ve learned that a lasting marriage isn’t one without conflict, but one in which we resolve our arguments in a way that strengthens our bond. We’ve agreed on some principles of disagreement (odd as it sounds) which help this happen. What’s more, it’s a great life skill for our children to learn, too, because these principles apply to all our relationships.
Defuse The Nuclear Option
What’s the worst thing that can happen to a marriage? Short of homicide, it’s the death of the relationship! It’s crucial, then, that you start with a commitment to preserving the relationship. When we got married, for example, we agreed at the very start that divorce was not an option. After all, we were both Christians, we understood the commitment, and any sin that came up was just reason for repentance.
Making that commitment out loud changes the whole nature of conflict in a marriage. It takes the nuclear option completely off the table. This is a good thing! Even if you never carry it out, knowing that one of you is willing to play the divorce card makes every argument the potential end to the marriage.
Simple disagreements become loaded with a dangerously explosive power. It makes you protect yourself and save up ammunition rather than follow the Biblical pattern of trust, vulnerability, and complete forgiveness. After all, marriage is a picture of Christ and the church. Will He ever leave us or forsake us? Of course not! And we should not toy with the idea of leaving or forsaking each other, either.
We have a dear friend, divorced early in life and now remarried. Every time they argue, she considers leaving. Sometimes they say it to each other. Occasionally she calls, sure that it is over. Melanie’s advice is always, “So, what Biblical grounds do you have for divorce? Oh. Well then, you guys have to get over it.” All our relationships are like that: if you keep one foot out the door, you never build the trust you need for true friendship, and seldom have the patience for one another to persist through the rough spots.
And it’s worth remembering that God commands us to love one another. If it’s commanded, then it’s a decision and an action, not a feeling. Why would Christians say, “We’ve grown apart” or “We don’t love each other,” as if that were an excuse – rather than a symptom? If you don’t love the one you wed, then you need to repent and go do it. God will give strength to fulfill His commands! Remember what it took to build the relationship to start with, and start making time for one another, sharing activities, talking, working together.
As a practical matter, too, it bears remembering that unlike losing a “mere” friendship, breaking up a marriage never really ends. Instead of losing a troublesome mate, you gain lawyers and judges. When you enter family court, it’s like asking for a third parent for your children; one with all of the power and none of the love. Since the original parents can’t agree how to run the family, the new one comes with the power to decide how often and when you see your children, where they go to school, how you spend your money, even where you live.
We saw a bumper sticker one time which said, “If you leave me, I’m coming too.” When you take the nuclear option off the table, it means you are going to have to work it out. That knowledge gives you the motivation to fight fair.
Don’t Go to Bed Angry
In Ephesians 4:26, Paul says, “Do not let the sun go down on your anger.” We made that a policy for all of our family: if we’re mad, we don’t hide, we work it out. And since we know that sooner or later we’re going to have to apologize and eat our hurtful words, they taste a lot better when they’re fresh!
There’s a lot of wisdom in that passage. The longer we sit and think about our anger, the more bitterness grows. On the other hand, if we work it out and forgive each other immediately, problems don’t get big and dramatic. We never have a chance to brood over it.
Now this isn’t very convenient. There are times we have sat up talking until all hours when we really needed sleep, but our relationship is more important than rest, more important than being fresh for work, more important than anything short of our relationship with God – and He wants us to work it out, too.
Silence Isn’t Golden
You can’t deal with it, though, if your mate doesn’t know you’re mad. Tip for the wife: Your husband is no good at reading minds. Tip for the husband: You may not be thinking what your wife thinks you’re thinking. We realized it just isn’t fair to get mad with each other, then madder still because the other doesn’t get it without us explaining it.
Anyone who knows us would laugh at the thought that either of us is even capable of the silent treatment – whether we’re happy or mad! But really, we sulk, too. The solution is to tell your love why – at the right time, in private, with respect, but as soon as possible. How can they repent if they don’t know they’ve sinned? Or how can they explain themselves if they think you already agree? It just isn’t fair.
Leave The Sink In The Kitchen!
But once you engage the problem, deal with one issue at a time. Sometimes the frustration is so great – or you just want to win so badly – you throw everything into the fight, including the kitchen sink.
But is this right? The Lord says “I will remember their sins no more.” (Hebrews 8:12, ESV) When we’re supposed to pray, “Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us,” do we dare to bring up the forgiven offenses of our own family? And how can we withhold forgiveness, when we want the Lord to forgive us immediately! This commitment really cuts down on the acrimony – and length! – of arguments.
It’s important to leave God room to work. Jesus said the Holy Spirit would come to convict the world; we don’t have to “win” by breaking each other’s will – He can do that so much more effectively!
Many people have never seen healthy disagreement. If you grew up in a broken family, or even just a family that fought ugly, you may have no idea how to resolve conflict without damage. What we discovered is that when one of you wins, you both lose. Either you both win, or you both lose. To keep it healthy, you’ve got to keep the drama out; don’t call names; don’t resurrect dead issues; constantly reassure each other of your love and respect, and always work towards reconciliation.
Real Forgiveness
You can see where this is going. Maturity. Acting like grown-ups. Getting over it.
When you get mad, go to your beloved privately, and calmly and without drama, explain how you feel. Then shut up and listen. Then talk some more. Deal with it.
Real forgiveness means complete forgiveness. You don’t hold it against them. Not now, not later, not ever. It’s scary, it’s hard and it takes the Holy Spirit to give you the strength to do it. But, turn it around. How incredibly freeing to know that when you blow it, it can all go completely away. When we show real forgiveness, we are imitating the Lord. It doesn’t get much better than that.
Hal and Melanie Young, have been married for over 25 years, are the homeschooling parents of six boys and two girls, and are the authors of My Beloved and My Friend: How to be Married to Your Best Friend Without Changing Spouses and Raising Real Men, 2011 Christian Small Publishers Book of the Year. Find out more at www.raisingrealmen.com and www.facebook.com/raisingrealmen.